I just can't get over the fact that this week I've been filled with so many moods that I usually don't feel. I have come to identify all of them now and a reasonable explanation for most of them. Some are a bit far fetched but I totally know that there's no other explanation.
Anger - The most rare emotion I ever feel. I can handle my anger pretty well and I really haven't felt this emotion since Nicole killed Alexis three years ago. Even then I wasn't really angry, but then when I heard that Armando was glad she was gone was when I flipped out and sent him into the coma. That was the second and last time that I have ever been angry. This past week I was mostly angry with myself for some of the losses of control that I had so I really didn't hurt anyone.
Jealousy - It took me a while to realize what I was feeling but then I realized that I was jealous at some of my normal friends. They had a life where they made choices just for themselves and no one else. They had normal problems and they struggled to get the simple things they wanted. They act with a comfort of each other and they really don't have to hide anything. I realize that I have always wanted to live a life like them. I have money, power, and incredible luck but I would want a taste of normal life for once.
Hunger - This feeling is more common than the rest. I am hungry. The one source of food that I decided to leave. I'm not normal of course, I live off it but I take the precautions that I have to so I don't do something stupid during school. Many people are amazed on how I can sit around and not be affected by all the people around me. The truth is that I am affected by people, very affected. If I didn't believe that I can shy away from it and learn to live with them I wouldn't go to a public school. I COULD go to the Academy for the basic subjects. I SHOULD go to the Academy so I can be on call, but I CHOOSE to go and try to blend in.
Annoyance - Sometimes it may seem that I'm annoyed but I'm actually just amused. This week however, I have been annoyed because I have lost control of my lies. I had my whole life planned out so that when people asked questions I could give them a reasonable answer. I don't want to tell anyone there the truth because it will only lead to trouble. I have had to reveal truths here and there because I have let things slip. That's why I'm annoyed, I can't remember that they don't know what I am, who I am, and why I choose to do this.
Paranoia & Outright Craziness - Shannon has been all over me this week. Calling and following me, she might not realize that I notice but I can feel her presence. Paranoia? Maybe but I have a feeling that she is plotting something new. I have done some pretty crazy things this week like send the guard on a total search of my house and making sure that I am with Jareth all hours that I'm not at school. Not to mention I realized that I'm a sociopath. I guess that the whole pathological lying part is the one I do at my normal school, but I really don't think that counts because I really can't go up to someone and say "Hey, I'm Laura, I'm not like you in any way, shape, or form! Do you want to be my friend?" They would probably just freak out.
So now that I figured out things I have a new plan to connect with people. I'm going to try to act human for a week and see how hard it is for them. I know it's going to be weird but I have to try if I'm going to be justifying my existance. I'm going to take a vacation from the Academy, stay away from the UACA Headquarters (but not Jareth, I love him to much to ask him to leave, besides girls have boyfriends), and avoid everything that connects me to this life, my money, and the UACA. It's only for a week and I'll figure it out with the help of my normal friends.
- BlackFireMyth -
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